So not Martha....

Before I got married I wanted to be prepared.  I read elevendy billion marriage books, we did pre-marital counseling and I asked anyone and everyone I could think of just what marriage was like.

After we got married I realized that no matter how much you prepare you really won't know what marriage is like until you're in it.  

Craig and I dated for six years so I figured we wouldn't experience many surprises....but I was wrong.  I'm still learning new things about him daily.  

BUT....while I think that marriage is a "learn as you go" kind of thing, I wanted to share one thing that I (REALLY) wish someone would've told me before I got married.

You don't have to be perfect.  

You are NOT freaking Martha Stewart

and you don't have to be!

I had all these notions about what a wife is "supposed" to do and how she's supposed to act.  Craig and I had never lived together, so it was kind of like playing house at first.  I had no idea how to cook.  I know a lot of people say that, but I had literally burned water prior to saying my "I Do's".  BUT...for some crazy reason I thought that as soon as Craig carried me across the threshold of our new home I was supposed to instantly be Suzy Homemaker:  cooking (in an apron, heels and pearls no less!), cleaning, and organizing our busy social life. 

I decided (in what must have been a moment of pure insanity) that I was going to make a different meal every night.  This lasted for the first 3 months until I finally thought I was going to go homicidal on someone if I had to sauté another clove of garlic.  

I was literally coming home from work at 4:00 every day and I'd start cooking dinner, which usually took 2-3 hours (due to my inexperience) and after that I'd do dishes and clean any other parts of the house that had been neglected.  Our house was so clean you could literally eat off the floors and toilets.  Sounds great, but I was miserable and it made me into a total beyotch.  

I became really resentful toward Craig about all the "tasks" I had to do while he was sitting around relaxing.  Eventually Craig told me that I needed to chill the heck out and that he'd rather have a sink full of dishes and a happy wife to sit and watch TV with him.  

At first this was difficult because of my OCD tendencies, but now our house is much messier, but I am much happier.

Moral of the story:

You don't have to be the perfect housewife.

Your husband will love you anyway.

Did you learn any tough lessons when you first got married?

xo

{Lauren}

Formspring Responses: Lauren H

Pretty sure I'm the biggest, most slacker-y wife ever.  I'm definitely the last one to write up my answers to these formspring questions that readers asked.  Sorry for my lack of posts - I really need to get better about this.  


I think my problem is that I feel like I need a bit of direction, so maybe if you guys have any suggestions for future posts you'd like me to write about just leave your two cents in the comments.  I aim to please :).  So....here are my responses....




What would you do if you found out your husband had a made up online identity that he was using to flirt with other women and was getting off from this experience?


This is a good question. Something that Craig and I talked about early on (back when we were engaged) was about how to "affair proof" our marriage.  We both agreed that affairs are bred through secrecy - a large part of the appeal that affairs have is the thrill of having a secret.  We decided that we will always be open and honest with each other even when that's difficult.  For example - when we first got married Craig was still in school.  I remember one day he told me that there was a girl in one of his classes who had been flirting with him and he was really enjoying the attention.  He said he was planning to sit somewhere else in class away from this girl from then on and he just wanted to tell me so that I could keep him accountable and make sure to ask him about it.  To be honest it sort of hurt my feelings for a second, but then I was so thankful that he was able to be that honest with me.  It may seem like just a little thing, but I feel like all the little things can build in to big things so little things matter.  If this situation ever happened to me I would sit down and talk to Craig to find out the root of why he was seeking out other women to flirt with online.  We would talk it out and I would let him know that this isn't something I'm ok with.  I would try to figure out if there was anything I could do to help him stop doing this, and consider putting blocks on our computer if I felt like that were necessary.  I think communication is key in all situations, but especially in a situation like this.

How much would you charge for advertising/sponsors?


I have sponsors on my personal blog, so if you'd like more information about rates and the like feel free to e-mail me. 

Can people apply to be regulars on The Wife Diaries?


I'm not the boss over here, but I agree with Krysten and all the other wives....we're still figuring things out, so it's probably best not to have "too many cooks (or wives!) in the kitchen" for now, but if you're interested in contributing to this blog shoot Krysten an e-mail!

How long have each of you been married and what do each of your think is the ONE main key to a successful marriage??


I've been married for almost two and a half years (our anniversary is December 9th).  I think the main key to having a successful marriage is selflessness.  I think the root of many marital conflicts is selfishness.  I think it's so important to constantly be trying to serve one another within marriage.  I don't mean waiting on your spouse on hand and foot - I mean finding ways to love them and support and encourage them without waiting for them to do nice things for you first.  If both partners are constantly trying to put aside their own selfishness in order to do what's best for the other person then both partners are going to be happy.


I have not felt like 'makin' woopie' :) with my hub for a while now. We are both quite busy (though more he than I) and when it comes down to it I just don't feel like it. Am I the only one who feels like this? What have you done in a situation like this?


So, I've had conversations about this with friends before and I think I'm the only wife I know who has an opposite situation.  I'm the one who usually wants to do it more often but the hubs really values his sleep (he works 50 hours a week at an incredibly labor intensive job), so sometimes I get turned down.  I'm ok with this because I realize we do need sleep to function, but since I seem to be experiencing the point-of-view that a lot of husbands encounter (a partner who "doesn't feel like it"), let me share my thoughts.  Ladies:  you need to make sex a priority.  I understand that sometimes you may be tired and that's completely understandable, but it doesn't feel awesome to be on the getting turned down end of things.  I know that for me it sometimes makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or like I'm not attractive enough - even though the hubs probably is just genuinely tired.  It's a vulnerable place to put yourself out there for your partner sexually and then get an "i'm too tired" response.  Maybe you could sit down and talk with your husband about your sexual expectations and come to some type of agreement about what is a reasonable frequency - something that's not too often for you, but often enough for him.  It's important for both partners to realize that they may both have different needs and it's important to meet in the middle.

How do you handle when someone from your husband's past comes back around...even if it is just a "friend" that may have been a little more than a friend at one point? Do you allow it? Do you have a hissy fit and say no way!! or what??


Not quite sure what this question is asking in regards to a friend "coming around".  I'm assuming, talking or hanging out and if that's the case, I wouldn't be ok with it.  Craig and I have agreed that for us it's not healthy to spend one-on-one time with friends of the opposite sex (most of our friends are couples anyway so we all hang out together).  Part of the reason is because friends confide in one another and I don't feel like it's healthy to be confiding in someone of the opposite sex about your marital issues.  I don't judge other people who don't share my view on this, but I know myself and I know it wouldn't be good.  If Craig was talking to an old "friend" I wouldn't have a hissy fit, but I would let him know I was uncomfortable with it and ask him to stop.  

What was your favorite thing about your wedding?


I had so many favorite things, but here are two:  1.  It snowed on my wedding day and it rarely snows in Portland.  2.  Love vallium.  My wedding day felt like being on love vallium.  I was just so ridiculously happy and grinning like and idiot and none of the mini-fiascos that occurred could possibly ruin it.

What are your favorite weekend things to do with your hubby?


We like to watch TV and movies together and just hang out at home with our pup.  We love being home.  Also, going out to dinner and eating delicious food :).


Now that you're married, what's next?


We've got a dog.  And a house.  So I guess babies?  I don't know.  We don't really have a "plan", but I suppose it's on the radar.


Are you and your hubs looking for the same thing in a house? or even with baby making? How do you resolve any differences?


We already have a house, but when we sell one day and look for a new house we'll be on the same page though I'm sure.  As for baby making we don't really have a "page" (so to speak) to be on yet, so I guess we'll decide then.  We've both decided we don't want to "try" to have babies though when the time comes, but rather stop trying to not have babies.  As for resolving differences, we just try to talk things out and find a compromise. 

How did you get so many followers?


I think maybe because people just want a forum to talk about marriage.  Marriage is one of those things that people aren't always very "real" about so everyone thinks that everyone else has perfect marriages even though we don't.  It's important to talk about things and learn how to keep making our marriages better and keep working out the kinks.




If you guys have any other personal questions that you don't want answered on the blog or just specific questions for me, feel free to e-mail me at:

loveoflittlethings@gmail.com

Hope you're having a lovely weekend!

hello.

Hi.

My name is Lauren (H.).  I'm definitely not a marriage pro, but I'm excited to get some dialogue going on marriage over here and I'm so glad that Krysten decided to start this blog.  Such a good idea.  She's a genius, no?

So, before I get into anything, I thought I'd give you a brief run-down of my relationship with my husband Craig....how we got together, etc., etc....

We met in the 4th grade.  Didn't like each other.  At all.  Through forced time spent together with our families on snowboarding trips we started dating my senior year of high school.  We dated for five years and then got engaged.  Got married in December of 2006, so we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary.  If you've been doing the math on this that's about eight years that we've been together.

I'll also tell  you something that is very important to know in order for you to understand where I'm coming from when I talk about some of my early marriage experiences.....

Craig and I were virgins when we got married.  This is something I'm proud of.  Not something I'm pious about, and not something I generally broadcast to the masses, but since this blog is about marriage I thought it was appropriate.  We never lived together before getting married either.  It's just a choice we made and I'm glad we made it, but I will say it definitely made it very interesting (to say the least) when we finally did get married and lived together for the first time.  And let's just say that sex definitely brought in a whole new dynamic as well.

I experienced a lot of surprises when we first got married.  Living with someone 24/7 is apparently a whole new ball game....even if you've known them for six years.
As I thought about all of the ups and downs we experienced during the first year of marriage, I was curious to know:


*What were some of the "surprises" you encountered when you first got married?


*If you're not married are there any "surprises" you're worried about?


*Any questions you have about marriage, or any topics you think we should cover?


SO....this is just my little introduction, but I wanted to get the "blog rolling" so to speak.  Hope you guys join in on the marriage discussion!

xo

{Lauren}