Abstinence.

I figured that title would catch your attention.  

Was I correct in my assumption?

The topic of abstinence on a blog called "The Wife Diaries" probably sounds a little odd, right?  Well, don't worry - Craig and I have sex - we are definitely NOT abstinent.  BUT.... we were until we got married.  I know this really isn't the norm anymore, so sometimes when people find this out, their response tends to be shock.  I'll tell you more about this in a minute, but the reason I am even talking about this was because I received a question via the formspring we have for this blog about the topic (feel free to ask any of us more questions here).  Here is the question:

To Lauren H--How did you and your husband decide to abstain until marriage? Was it hard? Do you regret it?

So....here's my answer....

The short answer is that Craig and I saved sex for marriage for "religious" reasons.  I actually hate the word religion because it sounds so sterile and unrelatable, but for lack of a better term, that's the reason.  I believe that God intended sex to be enjoyed within marriage.  I know that not everyone who reads this blog will share my faith or my opinions on this topic and I can completely understand that.  I do not judge others who have sex before marriage.  I can completely understand why people do and I don't blame them.  There were many times I considered doing the same.  So please don't feel judged as I write this, because I promise that is not my intent.

Craig and I started dating in high school.  Regardless of my moral stance on the subject of sex I was most definitely not ready for it in high school - I was a senior and Craig was a sophomore.  Also, I quite honestly didn't really think that far into the future and even though I knew it was a possibility, I never really thought that deciding to wait to have sex 'til I was married would mean waiting for six LONG years.  

A few years into dating it got really difficult.  I was out on my own and trying to figure out my faith for myself and I didn't really care to wait anymore.  Lucky for me I have a stubborn husband who sticks by his beliefs and wouldn't give in....even when I would get mad at him for it.  I'm not going to lie and say we were perfect because we weren't, but we did manage to save sex for our wedding night and on that day I thanked my husband for loving me enough to do what was best for me by waiting.  

I absolutely do not regret waiting to have sex until we were married.  Our wedding night was incredibly special and even though it obviously wasn't the perfect, it wasn't super awkward and painful like I thought and we were both in the same boat....figuring it out together with the rest of our lives to learn how to perfect it.

I'm not going to tell you that waiting doesn't have it's challenges, but knowing that Craig has been my only partner and I was his only is so nice.  I never have to worry about comparing to other girls and vice versa.  For us this was the right decision.

I feel super vulnerable putting this all out there, but my hope is that you guys will be understanding and know that I am just sharing my heart instead of pushing an agenda.  I really and truly do appreciate all of your questions and the thoughtful comments that all of you who read this blog leave.  

Don't forget, if you have any other questions, feel free to ask us using our formspring.  If it's a question for a specific wife, please specify that in your question.

Thanks for reading and I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

xo

{Lauren}        

Formspring Responses: Lauren H

Pretty sure I'm the biggest, most slacker-y wife ever.  I'm definitely the last one to write up my answers to these formspring questions that readers asked.  Sorry for my lack of posts - I really need to get better about this.  


I think my problem is that I feel like I need a bit of direction, so maybe if you guys have any suggestions for future posts you'd like me to write about just leave your two cents in the comments.  I aim to please :).  So....here are my responses....




What would you do if you found out your husband had a made up online identity that he was using to flirt with other women and was getting off from this experience?


This is a good question. Something that Craig and I talked about early on (back when we were engaged) was about how to "affair proof" our marriage.  We both agreed that affairs are bred through secrecy - a large part of the appeal that affairs have is the thrill of having a secret.  We decided that we will always be open and honest with each other even when that's difficult.  For example - when we first got married Craig was still in school.  I remember one day he told me that there was a girl in one of his classes who had been flirting with him and he was really enjoying the attention.  He said he was planning to sit somewhere else in class away from this girl from then on and he just wanted to tell me so that I could keep him accountable and make sure to ask him about it.  To be honest it sort of hurt my feelings for a second, but then I was so thankful that he was able to be that honest with me.  It may seem like just a little thing, but I feel like all the little things can build in to big things so little things matter.  If this situation ever happened to me I would sit down and talk to Craig to find out the root of why he was seeking out other women to flirt with online.  We would talk it out and I would let him know that this isn't something I'm ok with.  I would try to figure out if there was anything I could do to help him stop doing this, and consider putting blocks on our computer if I felt like that were necessary.  I think communication is key in all situations, but especially in a situation like this.

How much would you charge for advertising/sponsors?


I have sponsors on my personal blog, so if you'd like more information about rates and the like feel free to e-mail me. 

Can people apply to be regulars on The Wife Diaries?


I'm not the boss over here, but I agree with Krysten and all the other wives....we're still figuring things out, so it's probably best not to have "too many cooks (or wives!) in the kitchen" for now, but if you're interested in contributing to this blog shoot Krysten an e-mail!

How long have each of you been married and what do each of your think is the ONE main key to a successful marriage??


I've been married for almost two and a half years (our anniversary is December 9th).  I think the main key to having a successful marriage is selflessness.  I think the root of many marital conflicts is selfishness.  I think it's so important to constantly be trying to serve one another within marriage.  I don't mean waiting on your spouse on hand and foot - I mean finding ways to love them and support and encourage them without waiting for them to do nice things for you first.  If both partners are constantly trying to put aside their own selfishness in order to do what's best for the other person then both partners are going to be happy.


I have not felt like 'makin' woopie' :) with my hub for a while now. We are both quite busy (though more he than I) and when it comes down to it I just don't feel like it. Am I the only one who feels like this? What have you done in a situation like this?


So, I've had conversations about this with friends before and I think I'm the only wife I know who has an opposite situation.  I'm the one who usually wants to do it more often but the hubs really values his sleep (he works 50 hours a week at an incredibly labor intensive job), so sometimes I get turned down.  I'm ok with this because I realize we do need sleep to function, but since I seem to be experiencing the point-of-view that a lot of husbands encounter (a partner who "doesn't feel like it"), let me share my thoughts.  Ladies:  you need to make sex a priority.  I understand that sometimes you may be tired and that's completely understandable, but it doesn't feel awesome to be on the getting turned down end of things.  I know that for me it sometimes makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or like I'm not attractive enough - even though the hubs probably is just genuinely tired.  It's a vulnerable place to put yourself out there for your partner sexually and then get an "i'm too tired" response.  Maybe you could sit down and talk with your husband about your sexual expectations and come to some type of agreement about what is a reasonable frequency - something that's not too often for you, but often enough for him.  It's important for both partners to realize that they may both have different needs and it's important to meet in the middle.

How do you handle when someone from your husband's past comes back around...even if it is just a "friend" that may have been a little more than a friend at one point? Do you allow it? Do you have a hissy fit and say no way!! or what??


Not quite sure what this question is asking in regards to a friend "coming around".  I'm assuming, talking or hanging out and if that's the case, I wouldn't be ok with it.  Craig and I have agreed that for us it's not healthy to spend one-on-one time with friends of the opposite sex (most of our friends are couples anyway so we all hang out together).  Part of the reason is because friends confide in one another and I don't feel like it's healthy to be confiding in someone of the opposite sex about your marital issues.  I don't judge other people who don't share my view on this, but I know myself and I know it wouldn't be good.  If Craig was talking to an old "friend" I wouldn't have a hissy fit, but I would let him know I was uncomfortable with it and ask him to stop.  

What was your favorite thing about your wedding?


I had so many favorite things, but here are two:  1.  It snowed on my wedding day and it rarely snows in Portland.  2.  Love vallium.  My wedding day felt like being on love vallium.  I was just so ridiculously happy and grinning like and idiot and none of the mini-fiascos that occurred could possibly ruin it.

What are your favorite weekend things to do with your hubby?


We like to watch TV and movies together and just hang out at home with our pup.  We love being home.  Also, going out to dinner and eating delicious food :).


Now that you're married, what's next?


We've got a dog.  And a house.  So I guess babies?  I don't know.  We don't really have a "plan", but I suppose it's on the radar.


Are you and your hubs looking for the same thing in a house? or even with baby making? How do you resolve any differences?


We already have a house, but when we sell one day and look for a new house we'll be on the same page though I'm sure.  As for baby making we don't really have a "page" (so to speak) to be on yet, so I guess we'll decide then.  We've both decided we don't want to "try" to have babies though when the time comes, but rather stop trying to not have babies.  As for resolving differences, we just try to talk things out and find a compromise. 

How did you get so many followers?


I think maybe because people just want a forum to talk about marriage.  Marriage is one of those things that people aren't always very "real" about so everyone thinks that everyone else has perfect marriages even though we don't.  It's important to talk about things and learn how to keep making our marriages better and keep working out the kinks.




If you guys have any other personal questions that you don't want answered on the blog or just specific questions for me, feel free to e-mail me at:

loveoflittlethings@gmail.com

Hope you're having a lovely weekend!

Formspring Responses: Lauren E

I'm still getting used to writing "Lauren E" and not "Lauren T"!

The other wives and I got so many great questions from people (thanks for participating!), so we decided it would be fun for each of us to answer them individually. Hopefully this is what you had in mind. If not...too bad. We're doing it anyway. xoxo

What would you do if you found out your husband had a made up online identity that he was using to flirt with other women and was getting off from this experience?

Well first of all, this would never happen because he is not very good at the internet.

But in the event that he somehow figured out how to do something like this, I would say that it would depend on how serious it got. Obviously the first questions would be whether or not he still actually wanted to be married to me if he was having so much fun getting his rocks off as an internet creepo and whether or not I wanted to forgive him for it.

If we both decided we wanted to work things out, at the very least there would be counseling. And I might have to take time away from him to clear my head. Then we would just have to go from there and either we could resolve it or not. The main thing is that I would definitely NOT turn a blind eye to something like that. It's serious biz.

How much would you charge for advertising/sponsors?

One meeeeeeellion dollars?

I don't know. I have no experience with either either (sorry, gals!). I do know that I don't particularly love the idea of having advertising on my personal blog. Just a preference.

Can people apply to be regulars on The Wife Diaries?

I'm going to go ahead and agree with K & M. We are still trying to figure out where this thing is going to go, but I think it might be fun to have someone guest post maybe from time to time. What do ya'll think?

How long have each of you been married and what do each of your think is the ONE main key to a successful marriage??

I have been married for almost exactly two months. :) And I think the key to our successful marriage so far has been our king sized bed. I'm not even kidding. I can't stand when people touch me when I sleep, so no-touchy while I sleep = happy Lauren 99% of the time.

I have not felt like 'makin' woopie' :) with my hub for a while now. We are both quite busy (though more he than I) and when it comes down to it I just don't feel like it. Am I the only one who feels like this? What have you done in a situation like this?

You are preachin' to the choir, lady. Hubs and I have a completely opposite work schedule most of the time. So we fit it in (no pun intended) whenever we can, but sometimes even when we do have the time, I don't really feel like it. There's something kind of not-sexy about having to schedule it in, you know?

Luckily, he is of the same mindset, so we just do it when we can and try not to worry about it. Our sex life is great when it's on, but it's obviously not the only reason we're together.

How do you handle when someone from your husband's past comes back around...even if it is just a "friend" that may have been a little more than a friend at one point? Do you allow it? Do you have a hissy fit and say no way!! or what??

Oh this is a fun one! Here's the thing about hubs and I... we have been part of the same group of friends since high school! So really, there are only very few people that he has dated that I DON'T know and I am friends with a couple of his exes (and likewise, I dated one of his best friends like a decade ago!). So yeah, if one of these girls wants to hang out with him, then cool, but most likely she would want me to come along also because we all know each other.

What was your favorite thing about your wedding?

The fact that it was in Turks & Caicos! Doing a destination wedding was the best decision we could have ever made. It was like a dream. I was just sitting at my desk earlier looking outside and wishing I was back there.

Oh and the fact that I got to marry the guy of my dreams is a favorite thing of mine also. :)

What are your favorite weekend things to do with your hubby?

At the risk of sounding totally dumb, we love to go shopping at Target. Both of us LOVE Target. We are in there for like hours when we go. We also have a couple of fun local bars that we frequent, we hang out with family, or stay home and watch movies. I can really have fun with him doing whatever.

Now that you're married, what's next?

We're buying a house! We just started looking and it is so exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. Hopefully the process won't be too painful because I'm way over apartment living at this point.

Are you and your hubs looking for the same thing in a house? or even with baby making? How do you resolve any differences?

I swear I didn't see this question before I just answered the last one. Yes we are looking for the same thing in a house, which definitely makes it easier. We are also on the same page with the baby thing. Really I consider myself to be very lucky because we are so similar in our goals for this marriage.

In the event that we do have a disagreement though (because everyone is going to at some point), our typical style is to take a few minutes apart until everyone is calm and then we can talk things out rationally. Works every time.

How did you get so many followers?

I like to think it is because of our sparkling wit and wisdom, but really who knows? It's very cool to know that people like the idea of The Wife Diaries though. I need to stop being such a Slacker Wife and update more often!

Formspring Responses: Krysten

Wow! I want to thank everyone for asking such awesome questions. Keep in mind that we wives are just going with our experiences but we're all trying our very best to give great answers.

Enjoy!


What would you do if you found out your husband had a made up online identity that he was using to flirt with other women and was getting off from this experience?
Well I will say that I've gone through something sort of similar to this. I won't say with who or when or any of that. I will say that this can be a heartbreaking situation to go through and it's hard on both parties in the couple. If you think the relationship is worth salvaging, then you need to talk with your husband, do therapy, get it all out and work towards making things better. And if not... well, life isn't always about making easy decisions.

How much would you charge for advertising/sponsors?
Well I know on my personal blog I don't currently charge when it comes to sponsors. That will eventually change. I'm hoping someone else has a better answer to this question, I'm just starting to navigate when it comes to sponsors!

Can people apply to be regulars on The Wife Diaries?
Right now I think we're trying to see where this blog will take us. I will say eventually it'll be fun to add more women. And, of course, if you really want feel free to leave us a message and tell us you're interested.

How long have each of you been married and what do each of your think is the ONE main key to a successful marriage??
I have been married just over a year and a half. And like Meghan before me said, I think the biggest thing is communication. Marriage takes WORK. And it takes a lot of it. It's hard to do that work if you're not communicating with each other.

I have not felt like 'makin' woopie' :) with my hub for a while now. We are both quite busy (though more he than I) and when it comes down to it I just don't feel like it. Am I the only one who feels like this? What have you done in a situation like this?
Oh man, I think we have ALL been here. Well, I know I have anyway. As unsexy as it sounds, sometimes you just need to schedule sex in. If I think about it and I think, "Yikes, it's been awhile!" I will say, "Okay, today I don't care how tired I am, how much I do not feel like shaving my legs, how I would SO much rather read my book, I am going to have sex." It happens. But I know once I'm in the middle of "makin' woopie" I'm thinking, "Man, I LOVE this!"

How do you handle when someone from your husband's past comes back around...even if it is just a "friend" that may have been a little more than a friend at one point? Do you allow it? Do you have a hissy fit and say no way!! or what??
I think it depends on who the person is. My husband is more of a guy's guy so I haven't found that I need to worry too much about this. But I've found that unless he gives you a reason not to trust him then you should trust him! Come on, he chose you after all!

What was your favorite thing about your wedding?
The ceremony. Particularly the LAUGHING during our ceremony. Oh my gosh, our ceremony was so darn sweet. I thought I would cry my eyes out through the whole thing. Instead I found myself giggling and smiling at Dustin and just feeling so darn happy and excited that I was marrying him. Ugh, there is no feeling like that. It was absolutely awesome.

What are your favorite weekend things to do with your hubby?
We are big movie marathon people. We'll cuddle up with junk food and movies and just veg and relax. It's so nice and we're both total movie fans. And when we're not being lazy couch potatoes, we enjoy going to baseball games (GO TWINS!), heading up to my parents' for the weekend or spending a weekend away in Duluth, MN.

Now that you're married, what's next?
Well I am in the process of just finding another job, which is HARD right now. Once we get that done, we still have plans on moving (it's sounding more and more like Florida). So I think that's the next big thing on our plate.

Are you and your hubs looking for the same thing in a house? or even with baby making? How do you resolve any differences?
I think we have the same outlook with most of those things. Dustin and I both come from the same kind of family so we know we want a good family house, we want a good living to provide for our kids, we'd like to have two kids (hopefully a boy and a girl with the boy being older) and we just want to be happy.

How did you get so many followers?
Seriously, I have no idea! But I'm so darn glad we have such great readers! You all rock!