April 25, 2010

Formspring Responses: Lauren H

Posted by Lauren @The Little Things We Do.... at 2:27 AM
Pretty sure I'm the biggest, most slacker-y wife ever.  I'm definitely the last one to write up my answers to these formspring questions that readers asked.  Sorry for my lack of posts - I really need to get better about this.  

I think my problem is that I feel like I need a bit of direction, so maybe if you guys have any suggestions for future posts you'd like me to write about just leave your two cents in the comments.  I aim to please :).  So....here are my responses....

What would you do if you found out your husband had a made up online identity that he was using to flirt with other women and was getting off from this experience?

This is a good question. Something that Craig and I talked about early on (back when we were engaged) was about how to "affair proof" our marriage.  We both agreed that affairs are bred through secrecy - a large part of the appeal that affairs have is the thrill of having a secret.  We decided that we will always be open and honest with each other even when that's difficult.  For example - when we first got married Craig was still in school.  I remember one day he told me that there was a girl in one of his classes who had been flirting with him and he was really enjoying the attention.  He said he was planning to sit somewhere else in class away from this girl from then on and he just wanted to tell me so that I could keep him accountable and make sure to ask him about it.  To be honest it sort of hurt my feelings for a second, but then I was so thankful that he was able to be that honest with me.  It may seem like just a little thing, but I feel like all the little things can build in to big things so little things matter.  If this situation ever happened to me I would sit down and talk to Craig to find out the root of why he was seeking out other women to flirt with online.  We would talk it out and I would let him know that this isn't something I'm ok with.  I would try to figure out if there was anything I could do to help him stop doing this, and consider putting blocks on our computer if I felt like that were necessary.  I think communication is key in all situations, but especially in a situation like this.

How much would you charge for advertising/sponsors?

I have sponsors on my personal blog, so if you'd like more information about rates and the like feel free to e-mail me. 

Can people apply to be regulars on The Wife Diaries?

I'm not the boss over here, but I agree with Krysten and all the other wives....we're still figuring things out, so it's probably best not to have "too many cooks (or wives!) in the kitchen" for now, but if you're interested in contributing to this blog shoot Krysten an e-mail!

How long have each of you been married and what do each of your think is the ONE main key to a successful marriage??

I've been married for almost two and a half years (our anniversary is December 9th).  I think the main key to having a successful marriage is selflessness.  I think the root of many marital conflicts is selfishness.  I think it's so important to constantly be trying to serve one another within marriage.  I don't mean waiting on your spouse on hand and foot - I mean finding ways to love them and support and encourage them without waiting for them to do nice things for you first.  If both partners are constantly trying to put aside their own selfishness in order to do what's best for the other person then both partners are going to be happy.

I have not felt like 'makin' woopie' :) with my hub for a while now. We are both quite busy (though more he than I) and when it comes down to it I just don't feel like it. Am I the only one who feels like this? What have you done in a situation like this?

So, I've had conversations about this with friends before and I think I'm the only wife I know who has an opposite situation.  I'm the one who usually wants to do it more often but the hubs really values his sleep (he works 50 hours a week at an incredibly labor intensive job), so sometimes I get turned down.  I'm ok with this because I realize we do need sleep to function, but since I seem to be experiencing the point-of-view that a lot of husbands encounter (a partner who "doesn't feel like it"), let me share my thoughts.  Ladies:  you need to make sex a priority.  I understand that sometimes you may be tired and that's completely understandable, but it doesn't feel awesome to be on the getting turned down end of things.  I know that for me it sometimes makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or like I'm not attractive enough - even though the hubs probably is just genuinely tired.  It's a vulnerable place to put yourself out there for your partner sexually and then get an "i'm too tired" response.  Maybe you could sit down and talk with your husband about your sexual expectations and come to some type of agreement about what is a reasonable frequency - something that's not too often for you, but often enough for him.  It's important for both partners to realize that they may both have different needs and it's important to meet in the middle.

How do you handle when someone from your husband's past comes back around...even if it is just a "friend" that may have been a little more than a friend at one point? Do you allow it? Do you have a hissy fit and say no way!! or what??

Not quite sure what this question is asking in regards to a friend "coming around".  I'm assuming, talking or hanging out and if that's the case, I wouldn't be ok with it.  Craig and I have agreed that for us it's not healthy to spend one-on-one time with friends of the opposite sex (most of our friends are couples anyway so we all hang out together).  Part of the reason is because friends confide in one another and I don't feel like it's healthy to be confiding in someone of the opposite sex about your marital issues.  I don't judge other people who don't share my view on this, but I know myself and I know it wouldn't be good.  If Craig was talking to an old "friend" I wouldn't have a hissy fit, but I would let him know I was uncomfortable with it and ask him to stop.  

What was your favorite thing about your wedding?

I had so many favorite things, but here are two:  1.  It snowed on my wedding day and it rarely snows in Portland.  2.  Love vallium.  My wedding day felt like being on love vallium.  I was just so ridiculously happy and grinning like and idiot and none of the mini-fiascos that occurred could possibly ruin it.

What are your favorite weekend things to do with your hubby?

We like to watch TV and movies together and just hang out at home with our pup.  We love being home.  Also, going out to dinner and eating delicious food :).

Now that you're married, what's next?

We've got a dog.  And a house.  So I guess babies?  I don't know.  We don't really have a "plan", but I suppose it's on the radar.

Are you and your hubs looking for the same thing in a house? or even with baby making? How do you resolve any differences?

We already have a house, but when we sell one day and look for a new house we'll be on the same page though I'm sure.  As for baby making we don't really have a "page" (so to speak) to be on yet, so I guess we'll decide then.  We've both decided we don't want to "try" to have babies though when the time comes, but rather stop trying to not have babies.  As for resolving differences, we just try to talk things out and find a compromise. 

How did you get so many followers?

I think maybe because people just want a forum to talk about marriage.  Marriage is one of those things that people aren't always very "real" about so everyone thinks that everyone else has perfect marriages even though we don't.  It's important to talk about things and learn how to keep making our marriages better and keep working out the kinks.

If you guys have any other personal questions that you don't want answered on the blog or just specific questions for me, feel free to e-mail me at:


Hope you're having a lovely weekend!


Blue & on April 25, 2010 at 8:56 AM said...

My boyfriend would be kicked to the curb if I couldn't have my male friends. Just sayin....but an interesting approach on the idea - I just can't apply it to my life because I'm that guy's friend. And no married friends try to flirt with me ;)

Krysten @ After 'I Do' on April 25, 2010 at 10:59 AM said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who wants sex more than the hubby does! I've definitely been on the "getting turned down" side and it is not fun.

Great answers Lauren. And no worries about not posting a lot - we're all busy ladies!

my name is lauren. on April 25, 2010 at 2:04 PM said...

Blue - I completely understand your point of view. I just know myself and I know what a flirt I can be.... even with "just" friends, so it's just what I think is best for me. The "no one-on-one with the opposite sex" thing is something we decided together and not something Craig ever tried to force me into. I think that wouldn't be fair and I'm pretty sure I'd be annoyed too if it was something I felt forced into.

Diana Mieczan on April 26, 2010 at 5:23 AM said...

I bet you would be a great mom!
How was the baseball game?
Happy Monday!
Kisses :)

Candice on April 26, 2010 at 10:34 AM said...

The correct answer to the question about what you'd do if you found your husand had created an online persona to get some booty on the side would be

"mutilate his sack"

The end. :)

Haddock on April 26, 2010 at 12:00 PM said...

How much would you charge for advertising/sponsors?
And what are the chances of me gaining from allowing advt?

Alissa on May 4, 2010 at 11:28 AM said...

What a great idea for a blog, so glad I found you. I'm your newest follower.

Sadako on May 4, 2010 at 10:34 PM said...

Candice, I hate to be violent but that was my reaction as well.

Mrs T on May 6, 2010 at 11:32 PM said...

Good words of wisdom!

Tiffany on May 7, 2010 at 11:29 AM said...

Candice, your "multilate his sack" comment cracked me up.

I completely agree that I would rather have my fiance be completely honest with me and risk having hurt feelings for a little bit than have to worry about whether or not he's lying.

Nishant on May 11, 2010 at 9:30 PM said...

What a great idea for a blog.
post free classified ads

Carissa Mason on June 1, 2010 at 2:26 PM said...

My husband and I decided to abstain as well and for the same reasons. My husband actually had never even kissed any other girl because he diecided he wanted to save his first everything for his eternal companion! I cannot tell you how much that has meant to me throughout our married life. Hmm...I feel a blog coming on!
Thanks so much for coming by and leaving me some more comment love. Salt! Love your blog, girl!


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